Saturday, January 31, 2009

Bra Shopping

Confession: I have large breasts. No, no - it's true. No need to pussyfoot around it. I'm not shy. And after years of unsuccessful - even depressing - bra-shopping expeditions, I have discovered the joys of the generous return policy - online shopping at its best. Store in question: You can search by size (up to 58H) AND style (e.g., underwire), and even brand, though frankly I didn't even know there were companies out there making big, beautiful bras.

I get a little choked up when I think about how freaking wonderful this is compared to your typical dreaded department store bra buying expedition. You search; you select; you sit back and relax in your sagging-cup fraying-strap bent-hooks slightly-pilled-and-greying OLD bra and wait for your shiny NEW bras to come to you.

(I hate waiting. If you like, during this time you can imagine a steamy liaison with the hot bra-delivery man. Totally up to you. I don't get out much, though, so I find it helps to pass the time.

This is the key: order LOTS. Fortunately, my VISA likes it rough. Really rough. When the giant crate of luscious new bras arrives, you are free to sample the wares in the comfort of your own home. Stand in the flattering lighting; try them on with different shirts! Bend, lift, reach - does it chafe? Itch? Offer adequate support? Do the headlights need realignment every time you cough? I ordered so many I started a bit of a chart to keep track. Choose your own criteria, but just to get you started, mine went something like this:

Comfort? Yep. Support? Check. Overall shape? Sorta rocket-launcherish. Next!

Shape? Not bad. Comfy? Yep. Support? Yep. Colour? Iridescent ham? Nope. Next!

Oh-My-Gawd. This is gorgeous. I would totally do me in this bra. I am so keeping this one. Next!

Hmm, fits small. Next!

Cute, but not enough coverage - my cups runneth over. Next!

Exceedingly... jaunty. I can... yep, I can actually stick my face in my own cleavage. Next!

Oh - ooooh! Such a smooth silhouette! Perfect for thin sweaters. Definitely yes. Next!

Nice colour here, padded straps. Minimizer, eh? Whoa. Wow. I could even wear button-down shirts with this beauty. Amazing! Where did my breasts even GO? Oh. There they are, in my armpits. Damn. Next!

Uh, just weird. Lift and separate, sure, but the girls are so far apart they don't even look like they're on speaking terms anymore. Next!

... Anyways, I ended up keeping four. Coulda been six or seven, but I had a round robin tourney and kept only the creme de la creme. And returned the rest, via trusty old Canada Post because you have sixty full,
languorous days to send 'em back - sweet! (And by "trusty" I mean, get the insurance.)

Parton-esquely yours,