Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Fudgie Diet

Melt 1/2 cup butter in a saucepan. Stir in 1/4 cup peanut butter, 1/2 cup cocoa, 1/2 cup milk and 2 cups brown sugar. Bring mixture to a full boil, stirring constantly. Continue to boil and stir for one minute. (Now boil and stir for another fifteen seconds just to ensure the fudge sets later, because it's super annoying when it doesn't.) Remove from heat and stir in 1 cup coconut and 3 cups oats. Drop by giant spoonfuls onto waxed paper and allow to set.

And that's all there is to a Fudgie! My brother actually wrote this out for me when I moved away from home, because in his opinion it was one of the most crucial recipes of all time. I still have that recipe card, written in red ink, now caked with many years' worth of fudgy fingerprints - DH has added "Eat seven" as the final step in the directions. I've made it so many times I may have elevated the Fudgie to something of an art form. Since I'm no jealous cook, I'll happily share my Fudgie-making hints with you, so Fudgies can become a staple in your home, too:

1. You're not stirring fast enough.

2. Put them in the fridge if you're hungry. They'll set sooner.

3. If you find yourself hovering by the fridge waiting for the cookies to set, I invented this awesome game that I play when I'm too ovulating to wait: First, you get a spoon. Then, you use the spoon to decimate the tops of the Fudgie mountains. I call it "Appalachian Coal Miner." It's delicious.

4. Eat as many Fudgies as you like, because - amazingly - they're calorie-free.

I know, I know - shock and disbelief. Don't bother arguing, though, because I have proof: there is no way my body absorbs any nutrients out of anything that comes out looking that much like it did when it went in.

I repeat: completely calorie-free.**

In fact, Fudgies form the cornerstone of what is possibly the world's most delectable diet plan. So let's all go ahead and chase down our Sunny Boy and whole-kernel corn with a batch of Fudgies, and raise a tall, refreshing glass of apple juice to losing a few in the New Year. Cheers!

** Any parent worth their salt will have noted this phenomenon also applies to peas, raisins, crayons and loose change. It's how children stay so slim! However, as most people become less inclined to consume these childhood staples (and other non-food items) as they age, certain low-cal treats have not been included in The Fudgie Diet. If you can't live without the occasional Monopoly $5, go ahead and indulge - this plan is nothing if not flexible.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Day At the Races

Goooood morning and welcome to your Daily Derby - main contenders here this morning are Hot Mama and What A Baby - Hot Mama really needs that quick start off the line this morning if she's going to keep ahead of What A Baby - so much to accomplish today - there's the alarm! and Hot Mama is out of bed, amazing start to the day, but what's this? What A Baby is already up, the tricky little bastard, how is Hot Mama ever going to get her timesheet filled in today? she really should have done it last night, when will this little lady ever learn? - What A Baby already digging in the potted plants and Hot Mama hot on his heels - by jove he's fast! - Hot Mama still only half-dressed and not a drop of coffee in her yet - this is just not shaping up to be her day, folks - What A Baby really living up to his name this morning, giving Hot Mama a real run for her money - oatmeal on the walls - oatmeal in the hair - did any oatmeal even make it to the stomach? - What A Baby, indeed! - something a little off with Hot Mama, can't put my finger on it, oh my goodness she's leaving the house with utterly crazy hair today - just nothing to be done about it if they're going to make their 9 o'clock on time - Hot Mama flagging fast - looks like she's making a stop for Timmy's - that double-double will do her good this morning folks, can she make it to naptime? that's the question on everybody's mind today - traffic a little slow on the main thoroughfares - Hot Mama making a bold move, taking an alternate route to try and shave some time - What A Baby looking uncharacteristically pensive, what could he be considering? - oh no! it looks like he's changed his poop schedule! yes, yes, he is definitely pooping, he's not supposed to be doing this until mid-afternoon, this will set Hot Mama back another twenty minutes because she forgot to bring the *beeeep* wipes with her - watch your language Hot Mama there are children present - Hot Mama collapses in an uncaffeinated heap and What A Baby

That's all for today, folks, be sure to tune in for tomorrow's Daily Derby, when Hot Mama and What A Baby will be joined by Big Daddy and Surly Pre-Teen for another exciting day at the races.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Rough Influence Sausage

It seems like we recently got a new mailman.

On second thought, is it PC to say mailman? Uhh... letter delivering individual. We got a new Letter Delivering Individual.

I wonder how they work these things down at Canada Post. I like to think there's a cool competition every so often - envelope-licking or midget-tossing or something - with the winners awarded delivery territories. Keep the fleet strong and all. They could pee on their boundaries to warn lesser LDIs off their turf. Admittedly, I've never seen this happen, but the point is it could.

Anyways, so the new LDI is this sortof androgynous, chubby little fellow who looks like he's never seen a piece of lettermail in his life. Completely stunned. I have received more mis-delivered mail in the past month than I have in my entire life. This is where my survival of the fittest theory of Canada Post falls apart, because the last LDI was really butch - I had to develop an entirely new theory of Canada Post just to accommodate the new guy. I call it: Outsourcing.

Specifically, the work of sorting and delivering mail on my block has fallen to Medium Fry. She's had nothing less than her own rural route for the past few weeks. It's one way to get your fifty-four cents' worth, I guess - especially now that we've asked them to stop wearing a cow trail across the front lawn and use the driveway instead.

And in unrelated news, I'm sick. I'm sick and grouchy and there's nothing I can do about it but drink a crappy Neo Citran. Because DH was concerned about my "recreational" NyQuil use, so I'm not allowed to have any good stuff anymore.


So I'm making like Canada Post this week and Outsourcing. Here are the sites I can always count on for a good chuckle, for instance when my favourite blogger is sick and can't rely on over-the-counter narcotics for a creative boost:

1. Sleep Talkin' Man
2. Hyperbole and a Half
3. Toothpaste for Dinner
(& 4-6 related sites Natalie Dee, Married to the Sea and Superpoop)
7. Engrish
8. FAIL Blog
9. Cake Wrecks
10. The Onion