Saturday, September 25, 2010

Doctor's Orders

"Good morning, Ms. Frecklepelt. Thank you for coming in."

"Thanks for seeing me, Doctor. Is everything okay?"

"Well, your test results are in - it looks as if we may have an explanation for the, er, lack of energy you've been experiencing recently."

"Hey, that's great. Wait a minute - is it great? What's going on?"

"As you're aware, we did some standard blood work, plus some additional testing based on your description of the symptoms you've been experiencing - utter blah-ness, blogging deadbeat, fantasies about becoming ill just so you can take a vacation - I believe you referred to it as 'Augxhausted'?"

"Yep, that sounds like something I'd say."

"Ms. Frecklepelt, the good news is that most of your results - cholesterol, fasting blood sugar, TSH - came back normal. Which is good - overall, you're healthy. However, it does appear as if your GAS-F levels are dangerously low."


"My apologies - that's medical lingo for Give-A-Shit Factor."

"Oh my goodness - that sounds just like me! It sounds pretty serious, Doc, but at the same time I'm almost relieved to finally have a name for how I've been feeling all this time."

"It's perfectly normal to feel that way, Ms. Frecklepelt - in fact, most patients who are diagnosed with this condition say more or less the same thing when they hear the news."

"Most - most patients? You mean there are more people out there like me?"

"Of course. It's a surprisingly common disorder, but it does seem to carry some stigma in a society that encourages a very 'Type-A' personality, which is likely why you haven't heard of it before."

"Will I need medication? Is there some sort of support group I could join?"

"You could always try amphetamines and Red Bull for a little pick-me-up if you wish, but frankly I prefer a less traditional approach - more holistic, you might say."

"Hmm, I am trying to cut back on my street drug usage - let's try holistic."

"Excellent. Some studies have implicated prolonged high stress levels in diminishing GAS-F levels. In someone like yourself, whose levels appear to be naturally, er, reduced, my feeling is that it wouldn't take much to push you over the edge."

"So they key is to reduce stress? Do you have any idea how busy I am? What kind of bullshit prescription is that?!"

"Frankly Ms. Frecklepelt, it's not really a viable option for most people. As such, I recommend a combination of weekly bitch sessions with a trusted friend or colleague, and to increase your therapeutic wine intake. Aim for two, maybe three, bottles per week. You're likely to see the greatest benefit from this treatment if you consume the wine while bitching. I suspect that, even among your peer group, you will find others who are similarly afflicted with low GAS-F; they may offer the greatest insight and support to you as you embark on your treatment."

"Doctor, thank you so much for all your advice - I can't wait to start my treatment. I just have one more question."

"Certainly - go ahead."

"Why did I need to be naked for this consultation?"

"No reason at all. I simply enjoy seeing people in those little backless robes. Good day."

Friday, September 10, 2010

Spoonful of Sugar

It's been one of those weeks. One of those weeks. You know the ones I mean - the ones where you buy 42 extra lotto tickets, and when they don't pay off you begin to fantasize in earnest about other means by which you wouldn't have to go back to work on Monday.

But I'm a woman of high standards, and I'm not going to give up massage therapy and name-brand ketchup just so I don't have to go out and get a paycheque. I'm not particularly fond of nausea or vomiting, so illness is out. And, while an "accidental" pregnancy would guarantee me a year off at some future date, a) I'd still have to go to work on Monday, and b) DH has been fixed, so he's likely to frown upon any extracurricular measures I'd have to undertake just for the sake of a maternity leave down the road.

Oh, yeah, and c) more stretch marks?;
d) more children?;
e) my poor vuvuzela!

Pregnancy is definitely out.

A non-fatal injury would be nice. Ideally this injury could occur at work, resulting in some sort of paid leave, but I haven't been able to muster more than a paper cut since I quit doing field work. I don't want anything too serious - I mean, I want to enjoy my hospital stay, right? - but no shitty minor flesh wounds that wouldn't preclude my sitting at a desk, either. That would be just my luck. Hey, maybe I could arrange for an emergency surgery of some sort - I know this dude who got six weeks off work, over a measly burst appendix! Let's see, I'll need something that won't result in permanent dismemberment, disfigurement or disability... something that will require me to be waited on hand and foot, for at least a couple of weeks... something for which I can be prescribed opiates... and Jell-O...

Good day. I am out of the office on medical leave for an emergency abdominoplasty and eyelash tint, returning in approximately six weeks' time. If your need is urgent, please contact someone else to deal with it; if it can wait until my return, it's clearly not all that important and will be duly ignored on my return.