Nope, Not Even Betty White

This Grandmother Protection Plan (GPP) describes the protective and mitigative measures to be employed during the pre-adolescent and adolescent years (i.e., years 9 through 19) of the Frecklepelt Eldest Child Project (the Medium Fry).

The GPP has been prepared in order to minimize the potential impacts identified at the onset of the Medium Fry, namely that there is no such thing as a GILF. Therefore, the primary objective of the measures included in the GPP is to prevent Frecklepelt becoming a grandmother before the age of forty. Within each section of the GPP, measures to be addressed by Frecklepelt are noted and described as they pertain to potential reproductively hazardous situations that may be encountered by the Medium Fry.

1.0 Pre-Adolescent Measures

- The Medium Fry shall be relentlessly subjected to scientific trivia and dorky humour from a young age such that it pervades her being and she is unable to suppress expression of her deeply ingrained nerdy tendencies.

- The Medium Fry shall be enrolled in lessons at the earliest age possible for a musical instrument that cannot feasibly be construed as sexy by teenage males. Possible examples include violin, tuba or bagpipes. 

- The Medium Fry shall be assigned household chores, responsibilities and other extracurricular activities sufficient to limit the amount of time available for interacting with boys.

-  The Medium Fry shall be allowed full freedom to express her inherently poor and/or insane fashion sense. Frecklepelt may choose to limit such freedom in situations which may result in an adverse reflection on Frecklepelt's parenting abilities, although strict supervision of the Medium Fry is recommended at such times.

2.0 Adolescent Measures

- Music lessons shall be encouraged to continue for the duration of adolescence. If a change of instrument is requested by Medium Fry, care should be taken to ensure the selected instrument is not cool, sexy, awesome, etc., or of a size or proportion that could be utilized in an untoward manner during band camp.

- The Medium Fry shall be subjected to orthodontic treatment, including head gear, if at all possible.

- The Medium Fry's curfew shall be way earlier than all her friends'.

- The Medium Fry's parents should generally strive to be the most embarrassing people on the planet.

- If Medium Fry develops hips, breasts, any measurable degree of coolness or hotness, or fashion sense that begins to approach mainstream standards, immediately commence the Emergency Homeschooling Contingency Plan (Appendix A to the GPP).

All measures contained within the GPP are subject to all applicable laws and the inalienable constitutional rights of Medium Fry and should not be interpreted by Frecklepelt in a fashion that could be in violation of such rights, including - but not limited to - freedom of movement, freedom of association, and the right to bear cosmetics.

It is recommended that a separate, project-specific GPP be prepared and implemented for any additional children as they near adolescence, particularly those of a different gender.